Falling or Flying?
by cockles and candycanes
Summary: Cas and Dean had barely said a word to each other in weeks, ever since a broken, fallen, angel had showed up on the doorstep to the bunker. Rating may go up.
1. Chapter 1

AN: ok, so my first real attempt at fluff, let me know what you think :)

* * *

Cas and Dean had barely said a word to each other in weeks.

The tension had been building up for a while now, ever since a broken, fallen, angel had showed up on the doorstep to the bunker about a month ago. It had been 11 days since the sky rained fire when Dean had opened the door and Cas had just stood there, staring at Dean, the deep sea behind his eyes raging with pain, then sorrow, then relief, then fatigue, all flashing past in a second, before he just collapsed, and Dean caught him. Dean will always catch him.

He carried Cas into the house, past Sam's room where he was supposed to be sleeping, but instead looked on shocked through his open door and about to get up to help Dean, opening his mouth to ask a million questions at once, but one glare from his big brother and he got back to pretending to obey his 'bed rest' order.

Dean carried Cas past the library, past the little corner where there was an old armchair and a little cardboard sign marked 'Cas' place' taped to one of the book shelves. Dean had set up the little area when they had first moved into the bunker, back when he prayed every day that Cas would come back and stay with him, not leave him like he always had, not hurt him again. Back when he hoped that Cas loved him like he loved Cas. After the angel had taken off with his tablet, Dean had walked into the library and unleashed his pain in the form of the utter destruction of 'Cas' place'. He'd gone back in the next day to find it put back together again, with a note that said "He's your person Dean, and you know it, so stop being such a jerk and grow a pair". He'd burned the note and he and Sam didn't speak of it, but secretly Dean was grateful.

Dean carried Cas in his arms all the way to his bed. Then he stripped off the trench coat, the tie, folding them carefully, then his shoes and socks, placed a blanket over him and sat in his armchair and watched over Cas through the day and the night. He watched as his angel, because Cas would always be his angel, slept sound.

When Cas awoke a few days later, Dean was asleep at his usual spot at his desk, having had one eye on a book about a rare form of Djinn, the other, as always, watching over Cas. Fatigue had gotten the better of him after staying up for three days, caring for Cas, whilst feeling guilty for neglecting a still recovering Sam. Cas just sat there staring at Dean for God knows how long, when Sam walked in, nearly had a heart attack at the sight of Cas, and had taken him to eat something.

They had blueberry pancakes for breakfast, and Cas seemed to enjoy them. They talked about what had happened with Metatron, and with Crowley and Abaddon. They discussed Sam and Dean's work since what they were calling 'The Fall', about how they were keeping a log of known Fallens as they showed up in the world, how they were getting as much intel as possible for what Abaddon and Crowley were planning down below. But they didn't talk about Dean. Sam didn't tell Cas how broken Dean was, how he was probably even more broken than Sam knew because Dean never lets on anything, but that Dean was hurting and miserable about what happened with Cas. Cas never told Sam about how he fell and found himself in the middle of nowhere, stripped completely of his powers, but that he could still hear Dean's prayers. He could hear, feel, Dean calling out for him while he lay there on the ground, paralysed and powerless and wanting for nothing more than to fly to Dean, to answer his prayer. Cas didn't say a word about how he got up and walked. Just walked and walked for 11 days because the only thing he could think was Dean, just walked without sleep or food or shelter for 11 days because he needed to get to Dean. Neither of them said a word about Dean.

And then Dean walked in.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas didn't know how much Dean had heard, and he hated it. Before, he could sense when Dean was near, when he was listening, when he was hurt. He could sense all things_ Dean,_ but now, nothing.

They stared at each other for a moment, both checking over the other for injuries or any signs of harm. Then Dean simply gave Cas a curt nod and walked over to get himself some pancakes.

"Dean" Cas began, wanting to say so much but not knowing what to say.

"Yeah?" Dean asked, longing to help, forgive, do anything for Cas, but not knowing how to get past his betrayal

"Sam has updated me on the situation so I can help out."_ I'm sorry Dean, I'm so so sorry, please forgive me, I need you Dean_ that's what he wanted to say, but didn't, couldn't.

"Great" Dean said as he walked back to his desk with his breakfast, needing to get away from the Angel. _Please don't leave again Cas, please don't hurt me again, just stay with me Cas, I need you._

Things went on like that for the next few weeks. The two only spoke when they needed to. They never said more than six words at a time, they avoided each other in the house and when they were forced into the same room, they sat in a tense, uncomfortable silence.

That was until one late thursday night when Dean staggered into the bunker, drunk off his ass and went right up to Cas, who was sitting alone in living room, doing research. Sam had gone out to take a solo case a few towns over, so it had been just him and Cas since the day before.

Dean leaned into Cas and whispered "it's your day Cas. My favourite day." then, leant in closer and closer, until he could press his lips against Cas' in a soft, gentle kiss, before falling asleep against his chin. Cas sat there for a while, half shocked and half confused, but also really, really happy.

Eventually, Cas picked Dean up and took him to his room, stripping off his boots and and jacket, as well as his over shirt. Then he lay him down on the bed, pressed a kiss to his forehead and left him to sleep his way to sobriety.

—

When Dean woke up the next day, he couldn't remember a thing from the night before, hell, he was tired and Cas had looked really good in his old CCR t-shirt and a pair of his jeans that hung probably illegally low on Cas' boney hips. So Dean, being Dean, went straight to a bar and drank it. And a few others.

Dean walked into the kitchen to find a mug of coffee being handed to him by Cas, who was wearing a pair of Dean's pyjamas and an plain blue t-shirt. Damn, they really needed to buy the guy his own clothes. Dean took the mug and looked up at Cas, he was smiling, and humming._ Why is he smiling and humming?!_

"Cas, what happened last night?"

"That's a good joke Dean" Cas said, his smile changing, still there, but obvious worry showing through.

"No Cas, I'm serious, what the hell happened last night?"

Cas' smile faded into a look of hurt, then just his neutral stoney expression. "You really don't remember do you?" Dean shook his head, then cursed because fuck did his head hurt. Cas looked away from him, "You came home looking like you had single handedly rid the world of all alcohol, then you told me it was Thursday, my day, then you went to your room and fell asleep"

"That's it?" Cas looked up, trying very hard to read Dean, see if maybe he remembered, because even though he couldn't sense Dean the way he used to, he could still read Dean as well as, if not better than, Sam.

When he came up empty, he just looked down, said "yes" and walked to his room, shutting and locking the door, leaving Dean confused and feeling guilty without knowing why.

The day went on, more tense than usual, and Dean had no idea why, so, for the second time ever, he decided to sit down and talk to Cas about it. All of it.

They were having dinner, Dean had made burgers, Cas' favourite, as a sort of peace offering. They still hadn't spoken since morning so it was safe to say Dean's peace offering was failing somewhat. Cas wouldn't even look at Dean.

Dean dropped his half eaten burger back on his plate. "Cas." No response. "Castiel!" Cas dropped his burger down too, stared at his plate for a moment, then looked up at Dean, hurt and sorrow clear in his eyes. He looked away and got up to leave, but Dean stopped him, catching his arm.

"What do you want Dean?" Cas asked. He wasn't in the mood to be yelled at again.

"Talk to me Cas"

"Talk about what Dean?

Dean was pissed. "Lets start with what happened after you took off to go see Metatron? After you left me alone to save Sam. After you flew away to shut yourself off into Heaven, probably until long after I kicked it. After you left me, again Cas. You left me here and you didn't even say goodbye!" Dean was shouting, screaming at Cas, letting out all of the hurt and the anger from the last few months, all the while chocking back sobs and blinking away tears. Then his voice cracked "You never even said goodbye."

"I'm sorry Dean." Cas said, his eyes not able to meet the intensity of the green ones before him. "I'm sorry"

Dean sat up straight, composure flooding back into his features, his expression deathly calm, cold even, "Sorry just ain't gonna cut it." Cas was silent. "Well?"

The fallen angel took a deep breath. "After I left you with Sam, I flew to Naomi's office. I saw her lying there, the drill she had used to control my thoughts had been jammed into her vessel's skull. There was a pool of blood around her, and I realised that she was right about Metatron and the spell. I was about to fly to you when Metatron knocked me out.

When I awoke, I was strapped to the chair Naomi had used, and Metatron was standing over me. He told me that he needed my grace to finish the spell, to take revenge on those who had banished him from Heaven. And then he took it. He took my grace and I felt empty, I felt blind and deaf and completely alone. Then he cast all of the angels out of Heaven.

I don't remember much from after that. I remember waking up in the middle if nowhere, I remember watching my family fall out of the sky, I remember being lost and alone and I remember needing to find you Dean. For eleven days all I could think about was that I needed to find you."

Dean couldn't speak, he couldn't look at Cas and he couldn't breathe. He finally looked up into the angel's eyes, into the pain and torment and utter hopelessness in the ocean of blue emotion. "What about last night? Why are you so mad at me today? What did I do Cas?"

Cas wouldn't meet Dean's gaze, "I told you what happened" _please don't make me._

"Did you?" Dean asked, _what are you not telling me?_ "because something kinda tells me that wasn't the whole story"

"It is not of import Dean"

"well it's obviously important to you!" Dean stated incredulously

"And why should you care if it matters to me?" Cas bit back. He knew he was being harsh, but he was hurt, so he didn't, to put it in the hunter's words, give 'a flying fuck'.

"What the fuck happened last night Cas?!"

"You kissed me!" Dean shut his mouth, just sat there staring at Cas in silence. They were both pretty yelled out.

"I did what?"

"You kissed me." Cas said, his voice calm but sharp and cold.

"Ho-?"

"I was sitting on the living room, you walked in, obviously intoxicated, and you walked right into me, leaned in close and said "It's Thursday Cas, your day. My favourite." Then you pressed your lips against mine and fell asleep right there, on my face."

"okay. I umm, how did I get to bed?"

"I may not be a celestial force anymore but I'm not weak either. I picked you up and carried you to your room. I put you on your bed and then I watched over you for the night, to make sure you were ok. When you started to stir a little, I got up to make you breakfast, but then you didn't remember anything, so I thought it best to just move on."

Dean sat there shocked.

Cas got up, "If that is all Dean, I'm going to bed" then went to his room and Dean heard a door click shut.

_I kissed_ Cas _and then I didn't remember it._ How _could I not remember it._ _He was happy when I woke up._ _He_ liked it. _Shit_ I didn't remember! _He must think I don't want him._ Dean got up and went straight to Cas' room.

—

_Castiel you are such an assbutt! Of course he doesn't remember! of course he doesn't want you. For one thing, you're not a female._ Cas was lying on his bed, blinking back tears, when he heard a knock at the door.

He really didn't want to see Dean, but he got up to open the door anyway. He didn't get the chance.

Dean practically broke the door down, marched up to Cas, pushed him against a wall and kissed him. The kiss was hard, desperate. Cas was shocked at first but then melted into Dean, opening his mouth when Dean's tongue brushed against his lips. The kiss was all tongue and teeth clattering and lip biting, each trying to devour the other. Then they broke apart, both gasping for air. Cas looked at Dean, confused and a little scared. Dean looked at Cas, guilt ridden and apologetic.

Dean rested his forehead against Cas' shoulder, closing his eyes. He whispered, "I love you, I have and will always love you and I will always want you. I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm so so sorry Cas, please, please forgive me, please don't go, I need you. I love you Cas." Dean just kept repeating 'please'. He had both arms around Cas' waist as he chanted 'please' against his shoulder.

Cas tilted Dean's head up so he was looking into his eyes. Then he kissed him. This kiss was soft and gentle, more a promise than a kiss really. When they broke apart, Cas looked into Dean's eyes. "I won't ever leave you again. I swear Dean. I love you too. Okay?"

Dean hugged Cas close, burying his face into Cas's neck. "Okay".

They were both pretty exhausted, so Cas took Dean's hand and pulled him over to the bed. They got under the covers and fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, Cas' chin resting on Dean's head and Dean's face burrowed into Cas' neck, warm and safe and familiar. It felt right, the two of them lying there. It felt like, 'why haven't we been doing this the whole time?'.

"Hey Cas?" Dean whispered.

"Yes Dean?"

"I'm sorry it took me so long."

"Me too Dean."

And with that, they fell asleep in each other's arms.


End file.
